Photo by Campbell Wood

I’ve just returned from a trip to India, and my heart is filled with gratitude for the lovely people I met on my travels. I will cherish the memories of the kindness and generosity of spirit of the Indian people for the rest of my life.

For a year, my husband and I had planned on going to India, and just one month before we were to leave, I fractured a vertebra in my back. We were not sure if it would be possible to go, but after my neurosurgeon prescribed a brace and advised that if I was careful I could go, we started packing.  I experienced culture shock in the extreme when I arrived in Kolkata (Calcutta). From the window of the car, we saw mile upon mile of low income housing. When I say” low income,”  I’m not talking about the level of low income housing in our country. In India, “low income ” living is a very simple life, sometimes without some of the things we consider the basic necessities in the  U.S.

What I observed was that most of the people were happy–whether I saw them on the streets, bathing in the Brahamaputra River, or going about their work. When you made eye contact with someone, they really returned the connection in a kind and soulful way. In the northern corner of Assam, we visited the Mising Tribe. The people of the Mising (or Mishing) Tribe lived very simple lives. Their homes were built of bamboo and thatch and were elevated on stilts (to accommodate the monsoons every year). There was no electricity or running water in their houses. After being greeted with a beverage that they brew themselves, we were treated to a celebratory dance and welcome. We visited one of the families in their home, and they talked about their daily lives, how they grew their own vegetables, worked in the rice fields, tended their livestock and spent time with their families. The village seemed to be very tightly knit, and there were common areas for people to meet, visit and celebrate.

They had made the time to visit with us, and honored us as their guests, and they were proud to share their lives and ways of living. After visiting the family in their home, we were treated to a lovely meal in the common area. The food was served on a banana leaf, and we ate it with our hands. All the foods, rice, lentils and vegetables, were grown there and prepared from the whole foods. It was deliciously prepared and served with love.

People we met in India loved to give. They gave of themselves without expecting anything in return. If they could help, they did. If they could say a kind word, they did. If they could make something better for you, they did. At first I felt a little uncomfortable being the recipient of so much generosity. But I finally realized part of what made them happy was that they loved to give. Giving brought them joy, but this kind of giving was not a material kind of giving. This giving was in acts of kindness.

At this time of year, I am especially reflecting on giving in a non-material way. So many times in our culture, people judge giving by the stuff that is given.  From time to time, I’ve taken to giving anonymously–whether it be a card of appreciation for someone, just letting them know that someone sees how special they are, or doing something for them without identifying myself. This always took the pressure off of giving. I knew that there were no expectations or strings attached–just giving for the joy of it. I love to give, and giving of myself (without a material present to give) is something I want to do more of, without the safety of anonymity.

The people of India have taught me more than I can articulate here, but they have reminded me of the potential of life in making a difference in small ways that turn out to be very big in the lives of the people they touch. When we boarded a short flight in India, the flight attendant noticed my back brace and wanted to help my husband with the carry ons (my husband was carrying mine and his). When he saw that we did not have seats together, he negotiated with some people so that we could sit together–my husband could be close by to help me if I needed it. After about 20 minutes into the flight, the flight attendant handed me an envelope. It was a get well card with the hand-written message, “We all are thinking of you with healing thoughts that you will soon be well. Remember us as we will always remember you.”  The whole flight crew signed the card. My heart was so touched by that very sweet and simple gesture. I will always remember that. When we were disembarking in Delhi, the flight attendant told my husband that he had been carrying that card in his suitcase for several months, knowing that there would be someone he would want to to give it to. When he saw me board the plane, he knew the card would be for me.

What an amazing person, and what an amazing country.

Mary Claire O’Neal is the author of the award-winning book, Becoming What You Want to See in the World, and is a communication consultant, coach and speaker.

© Copyright, Mary Claire O’Neal

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In the U.S., it’s easy to become consumed by working so many hours per week that we are too tired to spend quality time with loved ones or quality time for ourselves–reading for pleasure, taking a walk, or going to a movie. In the past, I have been one of those people and have learned some needlessly hard lessons in either getting sick or multi-tasking myself into overwhelm.  I love to work because I love my work. But I also love and need to play and relax.

When was the last time you played cards, a board game, worked a puzzle or danced? When was the last time you laughed till you cried? When was the last time you took a whole day off to just do the things that refresh your mind, body or spirit (or all of the above)? When was the last time you looked back on your week and saw with wonder what an amazing, joyful week it was?

I don’t think there are many people who on their deathbeds say to themselves or others, “Gosh, I wish I could have worked one more day.” Instead, many people wish they had expressed more love to others, laughed and smiled more, or enriched more moments with the awareness of joy.

Life is short. It’s true. Look to create joy and balance in the fleeting moments of each day.

Mary Claire O’Neal is a communication consultant, speaker and certified life-change coach. For more information: www.maryclaireoneal.com

© Copyright, Mary Claire O’Neal

Experience balance during the holidays

Living in balance can be a challenge in our day-to-day lives, but during the holidays, balance is needed in order to truly experience the spirit of the season all the way through the New Year.

What helps in consistently creating balance? The answer is pretty simple but the living of it requires focus and attention.  Here is the “how”—drum roll, please:  Being in the present moment.  But what does that mean, really?

Being in the present moment doesn’t mean that you don’t plan or don’t look at the effects potential actions might bring. In fact, being in the present moment requires both of those things. It also means that you look at what is right in front of you and take it step by step to make your way to your goals.  When a stressful or urgent situation comes up, look at what is right there in sight—what opportunities are there for you to see in that moment. Being in that present moment will allow you to take action that recreates balance baby step by baby step.

For instance, say, you have a big “to do” list, and you are waiting in a long line during your holiday shopping. Instead of taking yourself out of the moment and worrying about all that you have to get done (getting more and more stressed and frustrated), take yourself back in the moment and remind yourself that balance is right there, now. You may find that you are can then enjoy a couple of children in line laughing and being playful (reminding you of the joy of the holidays). Or you might find that the elderly woman in front of you needs assistance and you are able to help her. You might notice that something you have been looking for is in a display right next to you in the checkout line (and you can check one more item off your “to do” list instead of driving across town.)  Funny, sometimes, how being in the moment can work out, and it does bring more balance to our perceptions and experiences when we see that each moment has those opportunities.

Sometimes being in the moment may bring you to the realization that you are dreading yet another year of hectic shopping, wrapping, traffic, and long lines. Maybe you decide instead to negotiate with family and friends to simplify and just do gift cards. Or even negotiate giving to each person’s favorite charity for the holidays instead of giving stuff. You may come up with the idea to negotiate drawing names so that everyone just buys one gift, and everyone receives one gift.

This is the time of year to be at our best–a time to LIVE the spirit of the holiday season in love, goodwill, peace and joy. Be fully here, balanced and able to see the wonderful opportunities in this moment.

Record your successes to empower action you are taking.

Once you set a goal, and you’ve begun taking steps, it’s important to chart your success. Writing down everything you do toward your goals empowers the actions you are taking and allows you to see the progress. Many times, it’s too easy to forget how much we have done toward our goals. Charting that progress is one of the best things you can do to keep you moving.

To begin your journal:

1. Write out your goal. Make it specific and realistic.  One of the biggest sabotages to success is that the goal is not realistic. The component of the goal that is usually not realistic for many people is the time line.  We live in a culture where we expect things to happen quickly, and frequently the time lines we write into our goals are not workable. Think about a time line that you can fit into your schedule and be willing to change it if necessary.

2. Come up with steps that you can take tomorrow, this week, this month, etc.  Small steps work. Again, make them realistic. List these planned steps in your journal after your goal.

3. When you complete each step, record that in your journal.

4. When you reach benchmarks within your goal, write about it.

5. Record any positive experiences as you encounter them in the process toward your goal.

Writing things down makes them more concrete in your life and empowers your action so you can see your success.

© Copyright, Mary Claire O’Neal

Photograph, Getty Images

Mary Claire O’Neal is a communication consultant, life-change coach, speaker and is author of the award-winning book, Becoming What You Want to See in the World. For more information:  www.maryclaireoneal.com

What’s interesting is that sometimes processes take unexpected turns, twists or detours.

The unknown can be a little scary, but flexibility and adaptability are important in the process of bringing something into reality. That something can be a project you are working on, a new career, a garden, a home, a trip, etc.  Personal expectations that things will follow a course that we have mapped out in our minds can sometimes be illusory, keeping us holding on to an avenue or path that just won’t take us where we need to go.  And maybe there’s a much better way to the destination (or perhaps even a better destination!) we haven’t been able to see that’s part of the bigger picture.

Photo by Mary Claire O'Neal

Have you ever decided to change a goal because you have changed?  Sure.  Change happens, and what we are working toward can change. Sometimes the process can take us to the understanding that we really didn’t want what we thought we wanted—maybe even show us a goal much better than the one we had when we started on that path.

Even though we may not have known it at the time, everything we have experienced, even a seeming detour, has brought us to where we are now and the potential for our current dreams and goals. But it all started with a seed idea to start the movement toward something we wanted to achieve or create.

Adaptability on the path toward our dreams and goals helps insure that we will reach our destination–perhaps a destination more splendid than we originally imagined!

© Mary Claire O’Neal

Mary Claire O’Neal is a communication consultant, coach, speaker and author of the award winning book, Becoming What You Want to See in the World.  For more information:www.maryclaireoneal.com

I look to the beginning of the year as an opportunity to start fresh, renew, with changes that I want to bring into my life. But first, I have to be clear on what it is that I want or what areas of my life I want to renew. Many years ago, I used to think that change was a negative concept, that it meant chaos or even loss of something. Over the years, I have found, though, that change can be about creating more joy, balance or fulfillment–increasing the good. This kind of change also is more likely to create something more enduring.

The other thing about change is that I used to approach it with what I didn’t want more of in my life. Change meant “ditch this, move on.”  Or another, “I’m not happy with the way my clothes are fitting. I need to lose some weight.”  I used to be a human yo-yo. I completely overlooked change as the agent of  ”I really love this. What can I do to create more of this in my life? What is it that does work for me?” This shift in perspective was significant. For instance, if I want to have more energy and feel good physically, the change for me would be working out more regularly and eating foods that make me feel more vital — fresh, whole foods instead of processed, refined ones and drinking more water. A nice side effect of making this kind of change, in addition to more energy and and health, is my clothes end up fitting better.

The focus is on increasing or adding something that is good for me, not on, here’s the word – loss.

Once you figure out what you want to manifest in your life, what next? The answer shouldn’t surprise – goals. Setting a goal is like creating a road map to get where you want to go. Without them, things can fall apart pretty easily. The tricky thing with goals is they have to be realistic. You can be your own saboteur in the success of a goal if it is not realistic for you. For instance, a sabotage that I used to do was giving myself a timeline that was just not workable in the attainment of the goal. I would get enthusiastic and think that I could accomplish it in much less time than was possible for me. Then  when I didn’t make the goal within that time frame, I would think that I failed and sometimes even give up on it. I would occasionally even top it with the cherry of being hard on myself for failing. Small steps work.  They really, really do.

Okay, you’ve set a realistic goal. The next step is adding something new into your life — prioritization:

1) Write down a list of ideas of things you can do to attain that goal.

2) Break each item on the list down into pieces — manageable steps.

3) Figure out what small step(s) you can take tomorrow or this week toward your goal, the next week, the week after and so on.

4) Prioritize it into your schedule, giving it as much importance on your list as your other priorities.

If you find that you are shoving it to the side on a regular basis, it is not being given priority on your list. If you miss a day or even a few days, dust yourself off and pick it up again. Even laughter and fun are important priorities in a balanced, fulfilling life!

Mary Claire O’Neal is a communication consultant, coach and author of the award winning book, Becoming What You Want to see in the World.  For more information: www.maryclaireoneal.com

Photo by Mary Claire O'Neal Peaceful stream

This is the season when hope builds for peace in our world and hearts open to that possibility.The most genuine affect that we can have in the world always begins with ourselves. Peace of mind, peace of heart. After all, we only truly have control over ourselves—our thoughts, actions, attitudes, beliefs and responses.

Sometimes the things that drag us down and take us out of the flow are invisible to us, not right in our faces.  There are momentary stresses in our lives, but it’s the holding on to hurts, grievances or resentments that creates an armor around our hearts, making peace elusive. More often than not, it’s a hurt that we haven’t healed or let go of.  That kind of pain can be a burden to carry, and our hearts become heavy, sometimes without our awareness of it. One can build walls to feel safe, being careful not to be vulnerable to that kind of pain again, but that kind of safety in isolation usually doesn’t bring peace. The human heart longs to express love in its many forms.

If the thought of someone who represents that pain or anger comes up, there is a reason the thought is there. Many times that thought is trying to tell us something—bringing it to our attention. I’ve realized that if I believe someone owes me an apology, then that’s a sure sign I haven’t yet forgiven him or her.  It’s a burden to wait for an apology that may never come, but I can release that burden by forgiving in my own heart.  The person it concerns never need know that I have forgiven and let go of whatever it may be. One of the best ways I’ve found to begin the process of forgiveness is to remind myself that we are all doing the best we can at the time, and it’s not up to me to judge what someone else’s best is. The guarantee that comes along with being human is that we will all make mistakes at one time or another.

Another part of forgiveness that can be easy to overlook is forgiving oneself for making a mistake. It’s hard to be at peace while being hard on oneself or mentally punishing oneself for messing up. To stumble and fall is human. To forgive, get up, dust oneself off and keep going is, well, divine.

This is the season that reminds us of peace and forgiveness–a season for healing, goodwill and love to carry us into a new year that could become the most meaningful, joyful year of our lives so far.

© Mary Claire O’Neal is a communication consultant, coach and author of the award-winning book, Becoming What You Want to See in the World. For more information:  www.maryclaireoneal.com

The truth of it is, there are many more things that do work and are gifts in our lives than not, but it is so easy to settle into a pattern of looking at what is not working instead of what is. I have a friend who was born without eyes and has a disease that prevents him from ever being able to walk.  He has a beautiful gift of music and has been able to play the piano since he was an infant.  He lives everyday of his life with gratitude in his heart and on his lips. He is a happy person, even though he has to work very hard with the challenges he faces every moment of his life. He says of his disabilities, “Big deal. I have so much to be thankful for. “

Happiness is a choice. Always has been. Always will be.

I’ve found that gratitude is one of the most powerful states of mind and heart that creates happiness—consistent happiness. It’s pretty easy to be thankful and grateful for the big events and things, but it’s the little moment-to-moment experiences that make up a life of happiness and gratitude. Jotting down in my journal regularly at least six experiences, people, or things to be grateful for makes that joy more concrete, more real, and gives my mind a positive focus of what I want more of in my life.  I can look at my journal when I’m finished with my entries and realize that it was a very good day and life.

Expressing thankfulness and gratitude to others for something they’ve done (or just for being who they are) not only is a gift to the giver but a gift to those on the receiving end.  Obviously, this is not a big epiphany or even something new, but why don’t we do it more often?  I work with clients who already know this simple, yet profound, truth, and they want to make the flow of that kind of communication and gratitude real in their workplaces and homes, because they know the power of gratitude and happiness.

It’s really nice that we have a day every year in November to remind us of all this, but shouldn’t the spirit of Thanksgiving permeate all days?

Gratitude can be a feast for our hearts and souls everyday of our lives.

There is a well-known story of a woman asking Gandhi one day to counsel her son to stop eating sugar because it was unhealthy for him. She lamented that her son would not listen to her. She explained to Gandhi that the boy would most certainly listen to him. Gandhi was silent for a moment and asked the mother to bring him back in a month, which she did. When the woman brought her son back, Gandhi said, “Son, you must stop eating sugar. It is not healthy for you.” The boy stopped eating sugar.  When the woman asked Gandhi why he didn’t advise her son on their first meeting, Gandhi replied, “Dear Madam, I cannot counsel someone in doing something I cannot avoid, so I had to work on my habit first.”

So many times  in our world, there are voices that say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Gandhi knew that the only true and genuine teaching and change comes from those who live it. He had too much integrity to allow himself to request something of someone if he did not do it himself.

People pay attention to our actions and our choices much more than the words we speak. We can all “be the change” we want to see in the world if we live that change.  If we see a lack of understanding, peace and unity in our world, the way to bring change is to live the love, peace and unity in our own lives, in our own thoughts. This is the hope for our world. This is a powerful gift that Gandhi’s life brought to millions.

What an amazing life. What an amazing teacher.

For pictures of celebrations on this anniversary:   http://snipurl.com/sbj7g

When asked, most people say that taking a walk out in nature is a very effective way to bring more balance and health into a busy life. Time outside, away from activity and technology, can bring more clarity of mind when you are stressed or facing situations beyond your control. Taking a walk in the sunlight, feeling the breeze, and enjoying the beauty around you is very refreshing for the mind and spirit with the added benefit of healthy exercise for the body.

Find a place to walk that is accessible and easy to get to from your home or place of work.  A city park with pathways or a local arboretum can be convenient but still offer the balancing, healing effects of green space: trees, grass, plants and animals.

Here are some tips to keep in mind while taking a break outside to gain more balance and health:

1. Give yourself enough time so you don’t have to hurry. A 40 minute walk is really enough time to refresh the mind and get some good exercise. Brown bagging your lunch at a picnic table before your walk can even give you enough time on your lunch hour. If you have the luxury of more time, that’s even better!

2. Try to take your walk in silence. Instead of listening to music with earphones (which can draw your attention away from the experience around you), try to focus on the sights and sounds in the environment–the plants and flowers, the wind in the trees, birds chirping, or the rushing of water in a stream or fountain. This will help to keep you in the present moment.

3. Have an intent for your walk. Examples of intents can be:  ”To bring more balance into my life” or “To give my mind and body a break for pure enjoyment and health.” Having a clear intent can help you get the greatest benefit from your walk.

© Copyright Mary Claire O’Neal

Mary Claire O’Neal is a communication consultant, coach and author of the award-winning book, Becoming What You Want to See in the World:  The Art of Joyful Living. www.maryclaireoneal.com